Openness and Honesty in Relationships

One of the benefits of being in a committed, long-term relationship is the comfort that comes with being accepted and loved for who you truly are. Having a partner who listens to and tries to understand and empathize with you is key to a successful relationship.

According to eHarmony.com, “intimacy is developed through each person’s ability to be open about how they are feeling and what they want.” Typically, being emotionally open comes more naturally to women, simply because of cultural expectations that women talk more, develop bonds more easily, and are encouraged to show their feelings more frequently than men. It is important for both members of a relationship, however, to feel safe when having conversations that involve sharing feelings, desires, and concerns.

Opening up and allowing yourself to be vulnerable is a scary thing. Partly, this is because you are setting yourself up for potential heartbreak. If you reveal yourself fully to someone, you are giving that person the power to hurt you. Furthermore, a breakup with someone with whom you felt a deep bond, with someone who knew you well, hurts much more than a breakup with someone you didn’t reveal the deepest parts of yourself to. But there’s the rub: in order to have a successful, long-lasting relationship, vulnerability is key. As pointed out by PsychCentral.com, “a willingness to be vulnerable is a significant feature of lasting relationships—ones in which partners are allies, not foes.”

Here are some tips to help encourage honesty and openness in your relationship:

Set Aside Time for Talking
Sometimes, couples fully intend and want to talk about their feelings and open up the lines of communication with one another, but they lead such busy lives that it can be hard to find the time. Choose one night a month to not watch TV, to make a nice dinner, split a bottle of wine, and just give time to one another. Be sure to address any issues you’ve noticed and really talk about how you’re feeling on these mini date nights.

Listen
Listening is just as important as sharing. Make it clear to your partner that you want to hear how he or she is feelings. Also, you should be alert for signs of emotional distress so that you’re ready to ask how he or she is feeling, and then really listen to the response.

Explore and Share in the Bedroom
Sex and sexual intimacy are as important as emotional intimacy in relationships. Talking about fantasies, being communicative during and about sex, and being willing to try new things in bed are key features of a healthy sex life. To keep things fresh, why not try role-playing? If not that, how about bringing a toy into the bedroom? In terms of the latter, one reviewer at Adameve.com writes of a couples’ toy, “This was great! My husband and I love this…”. Being open and honest about sex is not only important for the health of your relationship; it’s fun, too!

Though it can be difficult or scary at times, really opening up and being vulnerable with your partner can take your relationship to a whole new level. And if you’ve been together for a long time already, keeping those lines of communication open is key for the maintenance of your already-strong relationship.

Author bio:
Kristin Armstrong is a school teacher and writer who majored in psychology in college. One of her favorite topics to write or talk about is relationships. She has a wonderful husband and a dachshund named Jerry.

Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

I have a friend who isn’t exactly lucky when it comes to love.  They tend to end up associating with people who are already committed to someone else, people who are emotionally immature, people who simply aren’t good enough for them, and others who are incompatible in other ways.  I give as much advice as I can and I’m always there when they need to vent, but their situation never seems to improve.  Right now my friend is dealing with a person who has a significant other that they are committed to but wants my friend as a friend with benefits, but with some emotional attachment.  Just not too much.  It’s anything but clear cut.

I have been all over the place when it comes to relationships.  I may not be the best person to come to for advice, but I feel like I know enough to be able to speak confidently on the subject.  I’ve been the heartbreaker and I’ve had my heart broken.  I’ve been used and I’ve used others.  I’ve been confident and I’ve been insecure.  I’ve learned a lot over the years and those life lessons have allowed me to grow as a person and be better overall.  As a result, I get bothered when someone I care about is experiencing trouble in their love life.  I don’t like seeing people make mistakes that I’ve made and I always want to do something to help (although I tend to keep out of their business unless they choose to insert me into it).

What I notice the most is that people who are unlucky with relationships seem to lack confidence in themselves and lack the proper amount of love for themselves.  They feel insecure in some fashion and allow that to control their emotions and feelings, often causing them to be paranoid or to feel that people aren’t being honest and straightforward with them.  They feel that they aren’t good enough, or at least that the person of interest thinks they aren’t good enough.  They over analyze things and drive themselves up the wall.  All these things combined work to destroy whatever hope exists of having a stable and healthy relationship.

I used to be a jealous, paranoid little thing.  I was the girl who would look through your email after you left the room, check your pockets, and question your intentions with every female you so much as looked at.  It had nothing to do with the people I was with (for the most part) but was caused by my lack of faith in myself and my utter lack of confidence.  Going through school as the nerdy weird girl doesn’t exactly turn one into a strong young woman, and I couldn’t let go of the idea that I was inadequate in some way.  I completely destroyed my relationship with my college boyfriend (and his relationship with his best friend) because of my attitude.

I don’t regret losing that relationship, although it does suck that I hurt people, because it was a hell of a learning experience for me.  As were the relationships that followed.  With every failure came a bit of education.  I don’t have to be a supermodel for people to find me attractive.  I don’t have to be threatened by every female on the planet.  I don’t have to feel undeserving of love and affection.  I don’t have to worry about what everyone thinks of me when I enter a room.  All I have to do is love myself to pieces.  If I feel that I am deserving of love, I will get it.  If I feel like I’m the most beautiful person in the room, I will be.

I wish I had a way to relay this to my friend, and to others who confide in me when struggling, but it’s not as if you can follow a set of directions and instantly gain the confidence that allows you to find luck in relationships.  It’s also impossible for anyone to understand what goes on in another person’s head and heart.  Advice can be sought out in any number of ways, but no amount of advice can change the way a person thinks and feels.  It has to come from within; a strong desire to change for the better and to welcome good things into your life.  Following a plan to better yourself and find a healthy relationship is a waste of time if you are still a broken person in some way.

For me, the biggest part of finding happiness is to have complete confidence in yourself.  You have to love the way you look and hold your head high, knowing that you’re turning heads and making people say wow.  You have to love your personality and know that people are attracted to it and desire to be near you because you bring them joy in some way.  You have to accept that other people’s negativity does not reflect on you or anything you have done; some people are just miserable human beings that want to bring others down.  You have to know that you are an incredible person that anyone would be honored to call their own.

Part of this is never settling for less than you deserve.  I’ve heard people say that standards should be lowered if finding a date isn’t going well.  I could not disagree more.  Perhaps standards should be changed in order to broaden horizons, but they should never be lowered.  You should never settle for anything less than you deserve.  You should never sell yourself short.  If a relationship isn’t what you want, don’t just stay because it’s comfortable and familiar.  Move on and seek out someone who lives up to your standards, or even exceeds them.  Find someone who appreciates all you offer and has much to offer you in return.  Find someone who you can grow with, become more with, and be honestly and truly happy with.

The problem with finding a relationship is never that all the good ones are taken.  It’s never that you don’t know where to meet people.  It’s never being too old or too busy.  Those are nothing but excuses, and they are holding you back and making you appear unavailable and oftentimes bitter.  Stop making excuses.  Stop settling for “enough” when you deserve more.  Take a step back and invest time in yourself.  Heal whatever wounds exist from past loves and heartbreaks, from insecurities and uncertainties, and from whatever skeletons you keep in your closet.  Until you make yourself whole as an individual, you can never be whole and happy in a truly healthy relationship.

TMI. Please STFU.

I love Twitter.  I’m instantly connected to people I don’t normally talk to on a regular basis and people I wouldn’t know otherwise.  I can make plans with friends easily by putting something out there rather than texting, saving me a few seconds and making the conversation a bit more fun.  I can laugh at people’s jokes and hopefully get a few laughs myself with my ramblings.  It’s like a mass conversation that travels everywhere with you.  Sometimes, that’s not the best thing in the world.

There is definitely such a thing as over sharing and it happens all too often on Twitter.  The absolute worst offenders, and the ones that are making me tear my hair out lately, are the ones who have slightly too personal a conversation and end up nauseating the poor souls who follow them both and will see the entire conversation play out.  Before you call me a hypocrite, trust me when I say that my husband and I do not get into super personal things via Twitter with each other, nor do we have conversations that drag on and on, nor do we seek out to make people uncomfortable.  At least not as a team anyway.

Let me be clear, I am not talking about people who post updates about what’s going on, post a photo of their party planning, check in with their friend/love to see what’s going on later, or anything like that.  There is nothing wrong at all with talking to someone on Twitter and having a conversation on whatever subject comes to mind.  Getting a bit raunchy or a tad romantic is fine.  Making plans for lunch or a wild party later on is great too.  But there’s a line drawn in the sand that when crossed, can make your followers cringe.  While I’m incredibly satisfied with my husband’s equipment, I wouldn’t take to Twitter to compliment his downstairs because I know that absolutely no one but him wants to hear it and I’m not a thoughtless jerk who doesn’t care whether or not people are uncomfortable.

Part of me thinks that people who over share on social media (without privacy settings, making them visible to all) are simply starved for attention.  They want you to know what a sick party they are throwing, and even though you are not invited, you will feel like you are there as they tweet nonstop to attendees and fill your timeline with a conversation that could better be handled via text message.  They want to make sure you’re aware of the crazy sex they’re having with their hot new guy/girl by throwing innuendo all over the place, making your timeline look like a cheap romance novel.  You are their audience, whether you like it or not, forced to see their constant back and forth about horrible nonsense that is surely murdering your brain cells as you scan past it.

The solution is simple and obvious; unfollow one or both of the over sharers and unclog your timeline, freeing it of conversations that no one but the involved parties need or want to see.  Sadly, it’s near impossible to convince these types of people that they are doing anything wrong, as they are no doubt confident that their Twitter audience is captivated by their drivel.  As much as it would bother me to cut out a friend or acquaintance on Twitter, it bothers me more that I can’t get a break from the inner workings of their “exciting” lives.  I’m at the point where it’s just going to take one more pointless conversation filled with intimate details and personal garbage for me to become best friends with that unfollow button.

The Single Life

I have never been as happy to be married as I was last Saturday night.  My husband and I went to a couple of bars with a friend of ours to grab dinner, listen to some live music, and indulge in some lovely adult beverages.  Our first stop was the Moon Dog Tavern, which was pretty packed but we were lucky enough to find a table right next to one that was reserved for the band.  We began ordering and quickly noticed that we seemed to be the youngest people in attendance other than the wait staff.  Eventually we spotted a band poster advertising the talent for tonight would be covering songs by Elton John and Journey.

As tempted as we were to stick around with the geriatric crowd, we grabbed our checks from our waitress and worked on finishing our drinks.  A cougar in a shirt that was two sizes too small spotted us preparing to leave and ran over to our table to claim it for her group, totally oblivious to the fact that our friend still had half a beer left.  She and her chubby friend started “dancing” behind our friend, so the beer was left abandoned and we high tailed it out of there.

After some searching, we landed at Fox And Hound and scored a high top table in the back by the basketball hoop and pool tables.  To my right was a glass partition separating our area from the main restaurant, and in the booth next to our table were two single guys, one in a striped polo and the other in a turtleneck sweater.  They eyeballed me like crazy, polo shirt edging his sleeve up more and more to show off his awful tattoo and turtleneck coming into our room to show off his skills (or lack thereof) shooting hoops.  The rest of the guys there were less than impressive; too-tan guido, guy in suspenders, oddly shaped muscle man, chubby dudes with bowl cuts, and various freaks of nature.  I love to people watch and we all had fun checking out the various patrons, but it definitely made me grateful that my single days are over and I wasn’t out at that bar to try to meet a guy and score a date.

Granted, bars aren’t the best place to meet a potential girlfriend or boyfriend, but it is a pretty easy way to meet new people, especially when your inhibitions are slightly lowered and the beer goggles are on.  I went on one date with a guy I met at a bar a couple of years before I met my husband, and there wasn’t anything terribly wrong with him except for his broken car and lack of a job and motivation.  Prior to that, I met a guy while in college at a local bar and he seemed nice enough, but he didn’t impress me enough to get a phone call after that night was over.  Other than those two, any and all guys I’ve met at bars have been creepy, unattractive, pushy, and not worth my time or manners.  I’ve left countless establishments during my single days trying to escape guys who won’t take no for an answer or who assume paying for my drink requires me to sleep with them later, or at least make out with them at the bar.

Our friend is single, which made me more aware that evening of some of the joys of being single, mainly the nonsense that goes into meeting a good guy.  If the places we went to are any indication, chances are slim to none of finding a decent person at a bar.  Meeting someone at work is an option and if I was single, the building I work in is large enough where I could meet someone and not have it interfere with my job or deal with discomfort if the relationship doesn’t pan out; my husband and I have to make an effort to see each other during the day and not once in the 19 months I’ve worked here have I ever accidentally ran into him.  Unfortunately, the selection isn’t necessarily going to be great and you run the risk of meeting someone who is married but decides to withhold that tidbit of information from you; I hear stories of married folk in my building who have a spouse at home and a special friend at work.  For those in smaller work spaces, the risk of having your love life interfere with your job is just too high to risk dating a coworker, and some offices have policies against doing so, especially when it involves a supervisor.

So, bar is out, work is out.  There’s always the option of asking a friend to hook you up with somebody.  Of course with that, you run the risk of alienating your friend if things don’t pan out or if they arrange something with a person you have no interest in.  I ticked off a friend of my mother’s when I declined an offer to go on a date with her son.  Her barely 5 foot tall son.  Who was older than me by three years and still lived at home.  Rather than go on a date to make them happy and refuse to go on a second, I turned down the entire thing and was deemed as thinking I was “too good for him.”

I met my husband online through NewBlog and got to know him on MySpace.  Obviously we have a success story with online dating, but I wouldn’t say that it’s the greatest way to meet people.  For every positive story of finding love online, there is a horror story or two to counter it.  Before I was old enough to drive, I started talking to this guy on AOL.  We talked a few times a week, exchanged photos, and got along great.  When it came time to meet, we arranged to hook up in the mall and I took one look at him and ran the other way.  He had lied about his weight by at least 100 pounds, had sent me an obviously old photo, and I could smell his BO from ten feet away.  Now that we don’t have to rely on dial-up and A/S/L questions, it’s insanely simple to find someone and start flirting online, even simpler to lie and make yourself seem twice as amazing as you actually are on your best day, and quite easy to be let down or have your heart broken in the end.

I’ve always heard that if you want to find love, stop looking for it.  I hate that saying.  It’s something I always expect to hear from incredibly attractive people who are currently in committed relationships and have not once struggled to find a date.  I do have to give it some credit though; I met my husband during a time when I had zero interest in dating and was in the mindset that all men were going to be idiots just like my ex.  Although I wasn’t actively trying to date, I did have to put in a great deal of effort to get him to notice me and after about a year, feelings developed and we began taking steps to be together.  Not looking can’t equal not trying, otherwise you’re destined for the single life for the long haul.  At any rate, I feel damn lucky that I managed to find the man I love more than words can say and I’m glad we somehow stumbled upon each other despite living 1000 miles apart at the time.  All the failed dates, bad pick-up lines, broken hearts, and bitter betrayals were definitely worth it to now be with a man who honestly loves me for better and for worse.

All Consuming Love

When boys stopped simply being rough guys to play street hockey with and became cute guys I’d like to hold hands with between classes, I was a frizzy haired four-eyed scrawny girl who they looked at as nothing more than a friend, if they even looked at me at all.  It was no wonder that when I finally landed a boyfriend at the age of 13, I latched on with everything I had, laying all my attention onto my new love.  From him, I fell in love with a goofball skinny drummer, then his drumming best friend (my son’s father) and then a guy who once ate a mouthful of razor blades and had a tongue that looked like it went through a paper shredder.  I loved them at the time as much as an awkward teenager can love someone they barely know.  I was so busy being in love that I began to seriously neglect my friendships, the most important relationships I actually had at that age.

The worst moment I had was with my son’s father.  We lived in Connecticut for a time, the place I grew up and the place where my best friend lived.  That time would have been perfect for me to do some catching up and hanging out with my BFF.  Instead, I chose to give all my free time to my then-boyfriend, ignoring my friends and damaging a few friendships in the process.  Thankfully, my BFF is more than understanding and knew I was in an unhealthy relationship; he didn’t hold anything against me for my selfish behavior.  Eventually, I was intelligent enough to see that this man was holding me back from living and I cut my ties.  Now, with my husband, I definitely give him most of my attention, but in no way do I now neglect my friends and family, as I see now how unhealthy and potentially dangerous that behavior is.

I bring this up because having lived in and outgrown it, I’m quick to realize when a friend of mine is doing it to me or to their other friends.  New love is fun and exciting.  You want to spend every waking moment with that person, and when you’re apart you search for alternate ways of communication, giving you no time to miss each other or do anything else but be immersed in that glorious honeymoon stage of a new relationship.  You ignore all the negative qualities of a person because you’re so focused on the things you enjoy about them.  Plans with friends get placed on the back burner because you might be able to see your new love tonight or you don’t want to miss a phone call.  If you do go out with friends, you’re sure to keep your phone at the ready in case they text or call, ditching your friends to privately chat with your love if they do happen to give you a ring.  People around you whisper that you’ve changed.  You’re distant.  You’re never around and when you are, your focus is elsewhere.  Eventually, your friendships suffer and if your new love turns into an ex, you’ll find yourself all alone.

Unless your friends are truly toxic, in which case they shouldn’t be your friends in the first place, there is no reason to stick them on the back burner for your new love on a regular basis.  It’s very unhealthy to orbit around a single person 24/7.  It’s also an easy way to get trapped in a controlling relationship; if your new love senses that they can control you, there is a chance they will take advantage.  Perhaps they will begin to get jealous if your friend happens to call or wants to hang out.  Maybe they’ll make you feel guilty for talking to or hanging out with your friends, making you less inclined to do so.  There’s also the possibility that you may become the controlling and jealous one; since you give all your time to them, why shouldn’t THEY give all their time to you?  Resentment will slowly build until things fall apart.  And when they do, who do you turn to?  Your friends?  The ones you have been blowing off for months?  Why would they want you now?

New love is great and I’m happy for anyone who finds it.  But understand that it’s so wonderful and so magical because it’s so new.  You get the best of a person in the beginning and it almost always feels like you’ve found THE ONE, the perfect person, and you can finally stop searching.  It seems logical to put your friends second (or third or fourth…) because they’ll understand and surely they want you to be happy.  Your friends, just like your new relationship, need attention to stay in tact.  Keep brushing them off to have date night or steamy phone conversations on a Friday night and eventually they will just give up on you.

One person can’t survive solely off of the love and attention of one other person; you need a support system consisting of a handful of trustworthy people.  Extract your head from the clouds for a bit and remember what life was like before you found love.  Who was there for you.  Who partied with you when you wanted to cut loose.  Who listened when you had a problem.  Who encouraged you when you were feeling low.  Who made you laugh hysterically when you needed it the most.  You don’t need to have an open door policy to your friends so they can come in whenever they choose, but once in a while you should remind them where you hide the spare key.

Joined at the Hip

It’s time to go to the doctor!  Mr. Smith is having some health issues again.  He grabs Mrs. Smith and they head out.  Upon arriving at the office, Mr. Smith suddenly loses his ability to speak.  Luckily, Mrs. Smith is there to talk for him and explain to the receptionist why they are there.  After receiving the paperwork, Mr. Smith also loses his ability to write, so Mrs. Smith politely fills out the paperwork for him.  The doctor calls him back, and Mr. Smith starts to leave the waiting room.  He is stopped by Mrs. Smith, who grabs his arm and holds him back so she can enter the exam room directly before he does.

I meet couples that fit perfectly into that scenario at least once a week.  The first few times, I figured that maybe the husband was shy, or maybe the wife thinks his handwriting is messy and would rather ensure his paperwork be neat, but after seeing it time and time again, there’s no way it can be something simple and innocent.  I’ve seen couples where the wife will shove her way in front of her husband when he is spoken to so you’re forced to address her rather than him.  I’ve seen couples where the wife will tell her husband to shut his mouth as if she was silencing a child.

Why are so many husbands and boyfriends on lockdown?  Why do these guys allow themselves to be pathetic pushovers?  If you’re a man, please be a man and do things for yourselves.  I’m all for equality and for strong women, but this type of behavior is pushing it.  I have to assume that the female is in charge here because the men always look so meek, and almost afraid.  The only reason I can come up with that makes sense to me in all situations is insecurity and/or lack of trust on the part of the female.  Why else would a chick follow her man into his rectal exam?

I know for a fact if I tried to pull this crap with my husband, I’d either get laughed at or left at whatever establishment we were in.  Then again, I don’t have paranoid delusions of my husband leaving me for the cashier at Walmart.  To the women out there who act this way, please understand that neither myself nor any other woman wants to steal your man; there’s no need for you to be up his ass all the time.  To the guys who let it happen, please grow a pair immediately.  It’s embarrassing for all of us to watch.