You Have One New Email

On the drive in to work this morning, I was listening to a talk radio show, since that is easier to find than music early in the day.  The station’s DJs were speaking with a woman who had received an email at work from her boyfriend ending the relationship.  From the conversation that aired, it was clear that they had been speaking to this woman for about a week now.  She said that her now ex had written her a paragraph about why they should not be together for every month they spent as a couple.  According to the woman, the email was a lot of “it’s not you, it’s me,” citing various reasons about why they simply don’t work as a couple.  The woman was understandably upset to receive such an email at work, especially because breaking up through a letter is a pretty cowardly way to go about it.

The DJs had a suggestion that would allow the woman to get a bit of revenge on her ex.  They said that she should pretend that the storm we had through Indiana knocked out the emails at her job, so she didn’t receive anything.  According to her, she did this and her boyfriend’s reaction was “oh, well I sent you a few emails at work; you didn’t get any?”  She replied in the negative to her boyfriend, telling the DJs that it was actually only the one break up email that was received from him.  The DJs then said that her next move was to lie and say that she won an all expense paid trip to Italy from a work incentive contest in order to boost productivity.  The woman did this over the weekend and reported that the boyfriend was excited, but adamant that he could not pay for a thing, so it had to be covered.  He did not mention the break up email.

Their plan going forward was for this woman to print out various inclusive packages to Italy to get her boyfriend excited.  On Friday, she is to tell her boyfriend that the IT department at her office found a way to restore all lost emails and she would get back everything that is missing on Monday; the logic being that this would cause the boyfriend to sweat it out all weekend.  The woman admitted that this was a cruel thing to do, but stated that he deserved this and worse for being such a coward and trying to end the relationship via email.

I am guilty of breaking up with someone through a letter, but this is back in high school when the relationships often started through a letter due to fear of rejection and the fact that I was just a kid.  As an adult, it’s the wrong way to go about handling your business.  Unless the person in question is someone you’ve only been seeing casually for a date or two, you owe it to them to break up face to face.  It’s never a fun process, but part of being an adult is facing responsibilities head on.  The woman on the radio had stated that the relationship was pretty serious, so I definitely see that her anger is justified.  But is revenge the best way to handle this?  The woman and the DJs plan involves having the guy go as far as to request the time off of work and begin making plans before dropping the bomb that she DID in fact see the break up email and she wants nothing to do with him.

What the guy did by sending the email was immature, but why is it necessary to match that with even more immaturity?  I don’t see how this is going to help ease the pain of the break up and I don’t see why the guy deserves to be tricked into thinking he is going to Italy, a place he’s wanted to go since he has family there and loves Italian cuisine.  This woman might feel a bit better by tricking this man, but she is making a bigger fool of herself than he did by writing the email in the first place.  Not only that, but she has taken to the radio to broadcast their business to everyone listening, and chances are that someone who knows one or both of them will catch wind of what is going on.

According to a survey, one third of adults have broken off a relationship through email, text, Facebook, or other means of technology.  This makes sense, as many relationships begin while each party is in front of a separate computer screen.  My own marriage began this way; meeting on Newblog and bonding through MySpace and AIM messenger.  The survey also noted that 40% of the people surveyed would definitely use technology in the future to end a relationship.  More than half stated that they change their Facebook status back to single immediately after a break up occurs, and 57% make moves to make the relationship Facebook official immediately after the first date.  Only 42% of people surveyed said they would contact someone in person to initiate the first date, the rest preferring to initiate it via social media or text message.

Social media and other technology has definitely become key in beginning and maintaining a relationship, so it’s no surprise that many people also find it helpful when it’s time for that relationship to end.  But just because something can be done through Facebook doesn’t mean it SHOULD be done through that channel.  Relationships are personal and emotional, existing both online and in real life.  If your relationship has never left the computer screen, I can see how an online break up would be appropriate, but when you see each other in person, the break up should be done in person.  If it’s not, you have every right to be upset, but you also need to understand that for some people, it just makes more sense to do it that way and it isn’t always done maliciously.

The best thing to do if you have your heart broken via email, text, Facebook message, or other indirect way is to take time to mourn, take time to be upset, and move on as quickly as possible.  Know that the person who broke your heart chose the cowardly way out and strive to be better than that.  Choose to rise above rather than sink to their level.  Understand that there is a chance that this person honestly thought that using technology to end things was the best way to do it.  Respond if you will, but let go of any ideas of revenge before you do so.  Break ties and know that you deserve better and you will get better as long as you take the high road.  Sometimes a break up is the best thing that can happen to you.  Focus on that and move on respectfully.

Our First Place

I was recently asked how long one should wait before posing the question to their significant other about whether or not they are ready to move in together.  I had no idea what to say to her.  I didn’t exactly follow a logical path with my husband.  We talked online for about a year before developing serious feelings for each other, but it wasn’t as though we spoke consistently.  We both were also dating other people at the time and not exactly flirting or trying to make things happen.

Eventually, my husband wrote a blog about his breakup and I hate to say it, but I was happy.  I stopped seeing my interest at the time, which was easy because we had never taken things further than kisses and sharing concerts.  We made things official on November 18, 2007.  He came to see me that next month in December and at that point, after about 40 hours together, we decided we were going to be married and live in Indiana.  Two months later I was here.  Two months after that, we were married.  I moved a thousand miles to be with a guy who I had barely spent any time with.  We’ve now been married for 4 and a half years.

I’m fairly certain that my path with my husband means that I am the last person that should be giving advice on how long one should wait before taking that step in their relationship.  But in all honesty, even if I did have a more typical courtship with him, I still don’t believe I could answer that question and be of much assistance.  The dynamics of every individual is different and the dynamics of every relationship is different.  Rushing in blindly happened to work for me, but it spells disaster for others.  Waiting for a year works perfectly for some but would have made me insane if I had to wait with my husband.  There is no right answer.

One of the big problems in deciding when the time is right is making sure what you are feeling is true love and understanding as opposed to puppy love and infatuation.  I’ve been in puppy love, I’ve looked for love with the wrong people, and I’ve been downright confused.  With my husband, however, things were clear.  Things felt different and for the first time, I knew that this was it for me.  That being said, since I had never felt this before, I had no idea what to be looking for and no way of knowing I was wrong in the past about people.  Once I felt the clarity I did with my husband, it seemed obvious, but how was I to know prior?

I’m curious to know what you think.  When did you know the time was right to bring up the subject of cohabitating?  Did you have failed efforts?  Did you succeed?  What would you say to someone who asked you how long they should wait?

The Unofficial Guide To Love

Everyone that thinks they know what they are talking about ends up giving relationship advice at some point in their life.  That includes me; I’ve both given and received my fair share over the years ever since I discovered the shocking fact that I can in fact hold hands with a boy and not contract cooties.  A year or so after I had my son, I decided to quit giving advice.  I never listened to people who gave it to me and I’m sure people didn’t listen to me either.  I realized that if my friends tell me the truth and I dislike it, I won’t listen and will resent them for trying to help.  If they decide to take the easy route and feed me white lies, I’ll resent them later when I find out that they secretly though my boyfriend was an idiot.  When I decided to move over 1000 miles away to be with my now-husband, 3 out of 4 people I told responded with something along the lines of “this is a bad decision, it won’t last.”  So for these reasons, I now refrain from giving advice and simply try to be helpful by listening and making neutral comments.  That doesn’t mean I still don’t want to dispense advice, of course, and what better place to do so than here?

IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BE FAITHFUL, STAY OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP:  Common sense, but time and time again people who aren’t ready to be monogamous find themselves in a committed relationship against their inner wishes.  Often it results in scenarios that would be great for an episode of Cheaters.  If all you want is sex, there are plenty of horny non-committal people out there.  There’s no reason to break someone’s heart because you still want to spread yourself around.  If you’re with someone who informs you that they are this type of person (or shows signs of being so) either adjust yourself so you’ll be okay with sharing or get rid of them.

JEALOUSY IS HEALTHY IN SMALL DOSES ONLY:  When I was younger, I was a very jealous person.  It tapered as I got older, but was still around when I first got together with my husband.  Why it was there doesn’t matter, what mattered was that it was unnecessary and had nothing to do with my husband; he had given me no reason to be jealous of anyone else.  It’s okay to have little pings of jealousy when a gorgeous girl or hot guy checks out your other half or maybe throws a flirty comment their way, but if it’s not a big deal just let it go.  It causes nothing but problems when you’re overly jealous in situations that don’t call for it.

LISTEN TO THAT ANNOYING INNER VOICE:  If something inside yourself is telling you “this is wrong,” “is he cheating on me,” or “I don’t think this is working” maybe you should listen up.  I ignored the little voice telling me that my son’s father was a psychopath, the one telling me that my college boyfriend probably only loved me because he was on drugs, and the countless other warning flags my mind threw at my heart.  Had I taken it seriously, I could have saved myself from a world of heartache.  When things are right and the relationship is strong, you won’t get those warnings because your mind will be at peace and happy with what you have with your other half.

THE URGE TO LIE SHOULD FADE AND THE EASE OF HONESTY SHOULD EMERGE:  The first couple of dates with someone new are like a job interview.  You want to put the best you on display.  Sure, I drink on occasion, but I rarely get drunk.  You’d only be the second person I’ve ever been with.  I don’t mind if you go out with your friends.  I was at my mom’s house all night.  If you’re not committed to someone, lie all you want, but if you’re trying to settle down you’ve got to knock it off.  Love can’t be based on lies.  If telling the truth to your other gives you that horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach, there is definitely something wrong, either with your ability to be honest or their ability to have a reasonable reaction to your news.

NEITHER OF YOU SHOULD EXPECT TO CHANGE YOURSELF OR CHANGE EACH OTHER:  Having to adapt and start putting the toilet seat down or quit leaving your laundry on the couch is one thing.  Everyone has to tweak their behavior a bit in order to keep the peace.  If you met your sweetie while she was dancing on the bar downtown, it’s hard to justify being upset months later about her crazy partying.  Date someone heavy into a certain religion and you shouldn’t be surprised when that religion encompasses a lot of their life and yours in turn.  If you’re going into something with the mindset that eventually the other person will stop certain things, change certain things, or become someone else, you’re doomed to have it fail.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIKE EACH OTHER’S FRIENDS:  But you do have to tolerate them.  My husband’s former friend was married to a female that I was never quite comfortable around.  To be honest, I wasn’t all that comfortable being around his friend, but I had the best time I could around them because it mattered to my husband and his time with them was limited due to distance.  At the time, they hadn’t done anything that would give me a valid reason to complain so I went with it.  I also had the option of simply not hanging around them, but the bottom line was that they were important to my husband and as his wife I should be supportive and accommodating.  Don’t be that person who keeps your guy/girl from their friends.

IF YOU HAVE TO ASK ANYONE IF YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING BY BEING WITH THAT PERSON, CHANCES ARE YOU ARE NOT DOING THE RIGHT THING AT ALL:  If you’re questioning the relationship, you probably have doubts and concerns and you probably already know deep down that you don’t belong with the person you’re with.  People generally ask “do you think I should be with him/her” because they want it to work but know it won’t; they are seeking confirmation from anyone that what they are doing is right so they can feel justified in continuing the relationship.

DON’T LOSE YOUR INDEPENDENCE:  It’s easy to get sucked into a whirlwind of love and emotion and forget who you are.  It’s also easy for the wrong person to take advantage of that and attempt to control and/or isolate you.  The signs are easy to see as long as you keep your eyes open.  If people are constantly saying “we never see you anymore” or if every one of your activities is planned around your significant other, you’re probably in danger of losing your individuality.  Having time apart is just as important as having time together.

LOVE YOURSELF:  Simple, stupid, and important.  Don’t allow yourself to be abused or taken advantage of.  Don’t let someone else control your actions or thoughts.  Learn to be happy with who you are and be happy alone.  Become self-sufficient.  Focus on your weaknesses and find ways to become stronger.  People are always saying that you can’t love anyone else until you learn to love yourself.  As sick as you may be of hearing it, it never stops being true.

All Consuming Love

When boys stopped simply being rough guys to play street hockey with and became cute guys I’d like to hold hands with between classes, I was a frizzy haired four-eyed scrawny girl who they looked at as nothing more than a friend, if they even looked at me at all.  It was no wonder that when I finally landed a boyfriend at the age of 13, I latched on with everything I had, laying all my attention onto my new love.  From him, I fell in love with a goofball skinny drummer, then his drumming best friend (my son’s father) and then a guy who once ate a mouthful of razor blades and had a tongue that looked like it went through a paper shredder.  I loved them at the time as much as an awkward teenager can love someone they barely know.  I was so busy being in love that I began to seriously neglect my friendships, the most important relationships I actually had at that age.

The worst moment I had was with my son’s father.  We lived in Connecticut for a time, the place I grew up and the place where my best friend lived.  That time would have been perfect for me to do some catching up and hanging out with my BFF.  Instead, I chose to give all my free time to my then-boyfriend, ignoring my friends and damaging a few friendships in the process.  Thankfully, my BFF is more than understanding and knew I was in an unhealthy relationship; he didn’t hold anything against me for my selfish behavior.  Eventually, I was intelligent enough to see that this man was holding me back from living and I cut my ties.  Now, with my husband, I definitely give him most of my attention, but in no way do I now neglect my friends and family, as I see now how unhealthy and potentially dangerous that behavior is.

I bring this up because having lived in and outgrown it, I’m quick to realize when a friend of mine is doing it to me or to their other friends.  New love is fun and exciting.  You want to spend every waking moment with that person, and when you’re apart you search for alternate ways of communication, giving you no time to miss each other or do anything else but be immersed in that glorious honeymoon stage of a new relationship.  You ignore all the negative qualities of a person because you’re so focused on the things you enjoy about them.  Plans with friends get placed on the back burner because you might be able to see your new love tonight or you don’t want to miss a phone call.  If you do go out with friends, you’re sure to keep your phone at the ready in case they text or call, ditching your friends to privately chat with your love if they do happen to give you a ring.  People around you whisper that you’ve changed.  You’re distant.  You’re never around and when you are, your focus is elsewhere.  Eventually, your friendships suffer and if your new love turns into an ex, you’ll find yourself all alone.

Unless your friends are truly toxic, in which case they shouldn’t be your friends in the first place, there is no reason to stick them on the back burner for your new love on a regular basis.  It’s very unhealthy to orbit around a single person 24/7.  It’s also an easy way to get trapped in a controlling relationship; if your new love senses that they can control you, there is a chance they will take advantage.  Perhaps they will begin to get jealous if your friend happens to call or wants to hang out.  Maybe they’ll make you feel guilty for talking to or hanging out with your friends, making you less inclined to do so.  There’s also the possibility that you may become the controlling and jealous one; since you give all your time to them, why shouldn’t THEY give all their time to you?  Resentment will slowly build until things fall apart.  And when they do, who do you turn to?  Your friends?  The ones you have been blowing off for months?  Why would they want you now?

New love is great and I’m happy for anyone who finds it.  But understand that it’s so wonderful and so magical because it’s so new.  You get the best of a person in the beginning and it almost always feels like you’ve found THE ONE, the perfect person, and you can finally stop searching.  It seems logical to put your friends second (or third or fourth…) because they’ll understand and surely they want you to be happy.  Your friends, just like your new relationship, need attention to stay in tact.  Keep brushing them off to have date night or steamy phone conversations on a Friday night and eventually they will just give up on you.

One person can’t survive solely off of the love and attention of one other person; you need a support system consisting of a handful of trustworthy people.  Extract your head from the clouds for a bit and remember what life was like before you found love.  Who was there for you.  Who partied with you when you wanted to cut loose.  Who listened when you had a problem.  Who encouraged you when you were feeling low.  Who made you laugh hysterically when you needed it the most.  You don’t need to have an open door policy to your friends so they can come in whenever they choose, but once in a while you should remind them where you hide the spare key.

To Have & To Hold, Til Death…

Last Saturday I shared drinks and food with my favorite group of people.  One of the topics brought up was a former roommate who recently got engaged and is planning on having the wedding in the very near future.  Happy times, right?  Well, this guy had apparently met his future wife about 2 months ago and was already in “love” after a week. The love of his life comes equipped with two kids, so he will already have an entire all American family after saying “I do.”

Anyone that knows how my husband and I met and got married knows that I am a believer in true love and that I definitely believe in taking chances.  That being said, how are you sure you’re ready to be married after only a couple of months?  How are you in love after a week?  How are you sure you’re ready to give your life to someone after such a short amount of time?

Too many people confuse loneliness, need, and lust with true love and pure adoration.  I remember during my high school years, I was always in “love” and always sure it would last forever.  I’m sure most people go through a phase similar to that.  The thing is, most people also grow out of it once they leave high school and enter the real world.  Most people develop this silly thing called common sense and most people use that common sense to avoid situations like this one.

I’ve only met the guy once, and while I don’t enjoy passing judgment on people, I don’t think this guy should be getting married and becoming a step-dad to two children; he strikes me as the type who can barely take care of himself.  From what was said this weekend, he claims that people who are suggesting he wait are all “jealous” of the love he has found.  I have to wonder if he understands how much work goes into a marriage, especially one that comes with kids.  If this marriage does happen, I see a divorce in the near future.

Go ahead and get engaged if you’re in a hurry, but hold off on the legalities!  Try living together for a while first and discover all the quirks and weird habits you didn’t know existed.  Go on a trip together and see if you still enjoy each other.  Go grocery shopping together and see if you can agree on what type of food to buy.  Compare movie and music collections and try and picture them combined on one shelf.  GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER!! If you’re truly ready to commit a lifetime of love to one person, there shouldn’t be any need to rush to the altar.