Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!  I hope you’re all so busy with friends and family that you’re reading this days after the fact.  My husband is cooking up a delicious dairy-free feast to accommodate my annoying and untimely new food allergy, my mother-in-law will be visiting and bringing goodies of her own, and I get 4 blissful days off of work.  I’m also too broke to even think about shopping on Friday, but even with unlimited funds, I wouldn’t be going anywhere.

The first Black Friday I ever worked was at Shoe Carnival where I worked a 6am to 10pm shift and watched people behave like animals.  I saw two women get into a fist fight over a pair of shoes while their kids watched.  I witnessed the worst of people in a concentrated form, and it was terrifying.  These days, a 6am opening is lame compared to the stores who open as early as 2pm on Thanksgiving Day to give shoppers early access to sales.  It’s a horrible thing.

Supply and demand keeps stores stretching further and further into Thanksgiving.  Midnight worked for a while, but even that wasn’t enough, so now, retail employees across the country find themselves having an early dinner (or skipping it altogether) so they can go to work and appease the crazies who have nothing better to do than map out a strategy to hit as many stores as possible in 24 hours so they can maybe save a couple hundred dollars.

I do most of my Christmas shopping online at this point because I see no point in going to stand in line at Target at 4am to maybe get a good deal on a flat screen sold to me buy some guy who would rather be at home playing Xbox while slowly slipping into a turkey-induced food coma.  There are places that definitely need to be open on Thanksgiving; you need gas stations, law enforcement, some type of food services (grocery, fast food, or otherwise), health care, and so on.  We do not need to have TJ Maxx, GameStop, Best Buy, Walmart, or other businesses who sell things no one really NEEDS on Thanksgiving.  Let those employees have a day off.  They’re going to suffer enough on Friday, why can’t we let them take Turkey Day off?

If we stop giving in to the pressure and stay home on Thanksgiving, stores will stop with these insane hours and stupid sales.  Even if you don’t care at all about Thanksgiving, you should care about having a day off from the real world.  A day where everything can go quiet and you can focus on being with loved ones, being with yourself, or just taking some quality time for your favorite activity.  If you honestly can’t control yourself (or can’t stand your family) and HAVE to go shopping before you start convulsing, go online shopping.  Lock yourself in a room and go bid-happy on eBay.  Find something to do that doesn’t involve making retail employees leave their house so you can get $5 off a new jacket.

Today is either a wonderful day to spend with family or the perfect day to sleep until 4pm.  Either way, it’s a day we all deserve to take advantage of and stay away from the harsh neon lights of the Super Stores down the street.  Stop being a mindless retail puppet, lured from your home by the promise of 50% off Playstation games.  The only alarms you set should be food prep related, and the only reason to get out of sweatpants should be to change into a pair of even stretchier sweatpants.  And if you do choose to ignore me because the deals at Sears are just TOO good to pass up, try not to be a cunt to those who are skipping their holiday just so you can buy a weed wacker and electric drill.

Knocking In

Prior to getting hired on as a contractor for the National Guard Finance office, I sold Kirby vacuums door to door.  For about a month, I was an independent dealer of these high-priced multi-purpose machines, working to make enough commission off of each sale to make it worth my time.  I did not work directly for the Kirby company; the company I worked for was run by a gentleman whose family had been in the business for years.  Each sale one of his dealers made was cash in his pocket, and he was always quick to tell us that he was once in our shoes, and with hard work we could one day be in his.  With the chance to make $500 per sale, and time to make up to three sales per day, this job seemed pretty sweet for an interim gig.

Obviously I was not making upwards of $1500 per day selling these things, otherwise I sure as hell would not be working here when I could make over $300,000 annually slinging vacuums.  But with the promise of that type of incoming cash, it’s easy to see how people can get sucked into these things and end up losing themselves to it.  Hell, I consider myself to be pretty intelligent and even I was fooled at the start.  Let me explain.  I heard about the company via a classified ad looking for “Dealer representatives. Typical job functions include but not limited to scheduling to meet with potential customers, product demonstrations, negotiation, order processing, record keeping, product delivery, customer service.”  Easy stuff, right?  It also highlighted the ease of advancement, so I applied and scored an interview almost immediately.

The interview should have been a red flag that sent me running.  I was part of a group of about 20.  We handed in our resume and a short questionnaire to a man who addressed us all together.  He told us how exciting this job was, how we were basically guaranteed to earn at least $1000 a week, if not much more, and how we would be paid $1500 for the first month even if we didn’t make a single sale, so long as we showed up every day to work.  None of us were spoken to individually, so I feel odd even calling this an interview.  I received a call back to come for training the very next day and I assume that everyone else in my group that had half a brain was called back as well.

I had two days of training, which I would be paid for provided I finished out the entire four weeks and did not miss a day.  Oh, and had at least three appointments per day where I did a full demonstration of what a Kirby vacuum can do that was verified by my team lead.  And worked every Saturday, since that counted as part of the full work week.  And did I mention that my start time was 10am and I could potentially still be in the field until 11 at night?  A couple of those very important details were somehow left out when I started.  But no matter because in a month, I could be able to run my own team if I played my cards right!

Each morning at this company, we started out with a high energy meeting.  People who made sales would go to the front of the room, state how they had “knocked in” to the home, relate what they did to make the sale, and sometimes brag about how they sold the unit without any discounts.  I won’t lie; it was exciting to watch and even more exciting to be able to go to the front and tell your own story.  I was wowed by some of the dealers who sold the units for full price and who made enough sales monthly to qualify for some of the perks the company offered; vacations, expensive prizes such as snow mobiles, all sorts of award certificates, and quick promotions.

It’s such bull.  Any and all companies like this are bull.  Our team lead would drop us in neighborhoods where we would go door to door, knocking and offering people a free room of carpet cleaning.  Often, we were encouraged to lie and tell them that we got paid simply to do the demo (we did not) and we just wanted to show off the Kirby.  Other times we were told to lie about a new store opening (there was no new store anywhere) and say that we wanted to spread the news to our new neighbors by offering free carpet cleaning.  No lie was too big, so long as it got us in the door.  Once the homeowner agreed to let us in, either the dealer (me) or our team lead would run back to the van to retrieve one of the large Kirby boxes.  We’d quickly bring it inside and start unpacking it while engaging the homeowner in small talk about their beautiful home, the weather, or anything else unrelated to the giant vacuum we were unpacking.

My team lead was incredible at this.  Often, the homeowner would try to protest to me unpacking and setting up the vacuum, but he would distract them with conversation until I was done and ready to go.  He’d then leave with a few encouraging words and I’d be alone in some stranger’s house.  I would then go through all the Kirby’s attachments, showing the homeowner how filthy their home was by removing the filter pads after every vacuum sweep and laying that pad on their floor.  Those pads, covered in dirt and who knows what else, were to lay on the floor until my team lead returned in order to prove that I had done a full demonstration.  It was gross and no one was happy about it.

Oh, and did I mention that we also had special black filter pads?  Those were made specifically for mattresses.  Part of our demo involved going into the homeowner’s bedroom and cleaning their mattress, using the black pads to show dust mites and other nasty mattress critters.  As you can imagine, people didn’t like strangers in their bedroom.  I always asked permission, and when I was obviously turned down at some homes, was instructed to simply pick up the Kirby, say “where is the bedroom,” and just start walking until I found it.  No permission needed.  It was so insulting and invasive, but that was what was required of me.  The final portion of the demo involved finally hooking up the shampooer and giving the homeowner the promised carpet cleaning.  While I was doing this, my team lead was heading back to the house to negotiate the sale (since I was new, this was on him, but I would be required to do it later on).

My first sale was to a woman who could not afford it.  The asking price was $2200, but my team lead gave it to her for $999, which she had to finance.  The sale price meant that my team lead would make a small profit, the company would make a larger profit, and I would make nothing but would at least have a sale on my record.  Out of all the people I sold to, I feel confident in saying that only one of those families could afford it.  Out of all the people I sold to, I feel confident in saying that only one of those families actually needed it; the rest were fine with the vacuum and/or shampooer they already had.  I ripped people off and I’m pretty damn ashamed of it.

During my time at Kirby, I barely saw my family.  After paying for gas to drive back and forth, I was up only $100 after a month due to tiny profits after everyone took their cut.  My knees ached from all the time I spent on them (hold the jokes) while doing demos.  I was unable to get my $1500 because it is impossible to do three demos each day, seeing as how people work and generally don’t want to let a stranger into their house, no matter what they have to offer.  Even if I had been able to complete it and get that $1500, it would have equaled out to about $3 per hour for the time I put in.  It seemed too good to be true at the get go and I should have been smarter about it and run for the hills as soon as I found out that the job was nothing more than door to door sales.

Sure, some dealers get lucky and end up with their own office, like the company I worked for.  But they are only one out of a hundred, or more, that get lucky and make it work.  I was only there for a month and I saw dozens of people come and go.  My team changed almost every day due to people dropping off after coming to their senses.  The company made crazy profit off of us dealers, as we were paid pennies while they raked in the real cash.  I was a rarity in the place; a female dealer who was actually really good at making sales.  Had I been willing to sacrifice time with my family, I could have gone far.  I could have had my own team and taught others to lie to homeowners in order to make a sale.  I could have made some crazy cash.

No amount of money is worth it though.  I barely saw my child and my husband during that month, and they both were very unhappy about my absence.  I have no doubt that I put some people in debt after giving them an overpriced vacuum with payments they couldn’t afford.  I caused a few arguments between couples by forcing a sale down their throat.  I lied my ass off so I could invade people’s homes and take their money.  I was horrible to everyone.  I wish I had done my research after that very first day of Kirby training.  I wish someone had warned me.  But at least I got out after just a month before any damage was done to my family and myself.

Never again will I put myself in a situation where I am basically working for free or working for the promise of pay.  Never again will I trust a company simply because it seems fun and because they constantly present me with success stories from people “just like me.”  I’d love to be able to warn others away from places like this, but it’s really one of those live and learn things.  It might work for some of you and that’s not something I can determine.  But for 99% of us, jobs like this should be avoided like the plague.  We are nothing to these companies but free labor; expendable profit on legs.  Customers are nothing to these companies but open wallets.  If that sounds appealing to you, have at it.  For those of us who have a heart and still have morals, it’s not a place we should ever be.

Jobs We Should All Do Once

Waiting Tables / Serving / Bartending

The fiction:  People tend to think this job is easy.  Come to my table, take my order, bring me food and keep my drink full.  Sure, there’s a lot of running around but overall it’s not a challenge as long as you have stamina and an energy drink handy.  The server is as fault for the restaurant temperature being too cold or hot, their steak being overcooked, or even the loud table they got stuck next to.  If I don’t like mushrooms and I failed to read that in the item description, it’s the server’s fault and they had better replace my meal fast.  It’s also the server’s responsibility to ensure my bar drinks and food get to me as quick as possible.

The fact:  Your waiter has to learn the entire menu and memorize ingredients, as people have special requests or dietary restrictions.  They deal with extremely difficult guests and messy children.  They have to have great timing, especially if they get two tables sitting down at once; it takes time to properly greet a table and get their drink order written and delivered.  They are often called away from their current task (you) to run food out to a table that isn’t theirs.  They are in charge of preparing some of your food, generally salads and soups, but also have expediting duties at certain hours.  They are at the mercy of the cook; how fast your food is prepared is not under their control and them yelling at the chef only results in your food being delayed even longer.  It’s the same with the bartender, who has their own customers along with making drinks for the entire restaurant.  They also work long shifts with little to no breaks until their section is closed.  Working this job makes you appreciate a great waiter or waitress even more and shows you little things you can do to make your server’s life a bit easier, such as asking for all condiments at one time or not letting your kid tear open all the sugars.

Retail / Dressing Room

The fiction:  This is a job generally reserved for retirees and high school students.  It’s a laid back job that allows you a bit of downtime when customers are scarce.  The downside is the cleaning and straightening, but it’s a little like organizing your closet, just on a larger scale.  The employees always tend to either be a little too helpful or nowhere to be seen.  They must think everyone is a thief the way they watch customers.  The sales associate is at fault if my item rings up incorrectly.  I don’t understand why some businesses won’t let me keep the hangers, I think I’m entitled to get them with my purchase.  I also better get a discount if there’s a makeup smudge or deodorant stain on the shirt I’m purchasing.

The fact:  Retail is a job with a lot of work and stress for a little bit of pay.  The dressing room can become a pigsty in minutes and often it’s on the shoulders of one person to police it and keep it clean, as well as organize all the leave-behinds for restocking.  Many stores have a speech that associates must recite to a new customer entering the store and many are told to just stay visible without being bothersome.  Loss prevention is also important and thieves come in many shapes and colors.  Some businesses require that the associate memorize the sales because they are not set to automatically ring up at the sale price.  Hangers cost money and store policy doesn’t always allow for them to be given away.  The associate must straighten every hanger to ensure all are parallel and must organize shelves; you can imagine how long this lasts when customers are browsing and children are exploring.  Many stores have also suspended discounts for “damaged” goods because there are awful people who will damage or stain an item themselves in order to get some money off.  Working this job allows you to see the challenge that goes into making a store shoppable and pleasant for you, resulting in you hopefully becoming a more considerate customer.

Door-To-Door Sales

The fiction:  This is the most annoying type of person out there!  They bother me at dinnertime, they’re pushy as all hell, and they don’t understand the word NO!  If I wanted whatever they’re trying to sell me, wouldn’t I have gone to them?  They have no respect for my privacy.  They shouldn’t be allowed to go knocking on doors, bothering people.

The fact:  This is the most annoying type of person out there!  They bother me at dinnertime, they’re pushy as all hell, and they don’t understand the word NO!  Unfortunately, that’s their job.  This type of work is easy to get into and therefore attractive to people seeking work; it’s often advertised as a “fast track to management.”  Door-to-door salespeople work on commission and your hospitality is their paycheck; if you’re not signing a check, they aren’t getting paid a cent.  Companies like AT&T have turned to door-to-door sales as a cheap way to get a hold of their customers to upgrade their packages, paying the salesperson a few dollars only if the customer upgrades.  Working this kind of job stinks, but it makes you more appreciative of your current job and every other kind of work out there, as well as shows you the benefits of putting a “No Soliciting” sticker on your door.

Call Center / Customer Service

The fiction:  These so-called helpful people are anything but.  They always say the same thing:  “I care about your problem, I’m happy to help, blah blah blah.”  It’s frustrating to wait so long to get through to someone only to get the person who is condescending/unhelpful/foreign/whose system is down/etc.  I’m calling you so you can fix my problem because that’s what you’re paid to do.  Don’t put me on hold and don’t transfer me.  Resolve my issue!  How hard is your job?

The fact:  They probably don’t care too much about you personally because they’ve already talked to dozens upon dozens of people like you, been cussed at and called an idiot, and had their eardrums blown out by loud yellers and hang-ups.  They generally have a script to follow which includes a lot of “I’m happy to help” and other variations of it.  They are the people who deal with the repercussions when a business or another individual screws up.  Sometimes they have to transfer you or rush you off the phone because they are often required to take a certain number of calls during their shift; if they talk to you for an hour, they are putting themselves behind.  Working this job will help you keep your anger in check next time your cable is out and you decide to go off on the poor girl who happened to answer your call rather than be angry at the storm that knocked things loose.

Janitorial

The fiction: Sure, it’s a dirty job, but it’s not challenging.  They clean up, which is something we all do at home (unless we’re a trash bag away from starring on Hoarders).  It’s all right if I make a bit of a mess because it’s their job to clean up, after all, and it’s not like anyone tries to make MY job any easier.  They need to work harder anyway, have you seen the bathroom lately??  Besides, how difficult can it be to empty a few trash cans and sweep up?

The fact:  Do you have any idea how messy and disgusting people are, especially when they know that they don’t have to clean up their own mess?  Have you ever stood ankle-deep in sewer water, trying to unclog a toilet filled with someone else’s mess, then had to mop it all up, all the while listening to angry women complain that they can’t use the stall?  Dealt with the frustration of cleaning a glass door only to have someone walk through the minute you’re finished and put their hand print on the glass?  People also tend to treat janitors worse than the trash they are emptying.  Working this job will make you think twice about dumping your half full coffee cup in the trash can or dumping a wad of paper towels in the toilet.

Nurse / Receptionist / Anyone But The Doctor

The fiction:  They never seem to know where my doctor is or why he’s running behind today.  Every time I ask, I get the same few excuses about an emergency patient or some procedure that ran over.  They tell me to come early, but they never manage to get me on time; such bad organizational skills.  I don’t get why I need to give them my insurance card every single time either, or why they make me fill out my address every visit even after I told them it’s the same.  It’s like they’re on a mission to slow me down and make me miss work.

The fact:  Their job is to provide assistance so the doctor can get through their patients as quickly as possible.  These patients are generally always overbooked; the overbooking compensates for cancellations without the practice losing money on that particular day, so when no one cancels or you have emergency walk-ins, the whole process gets behind.  Sometimes they are forced to lie; “emergency patient” sounds better than “your doctor ate too much Taco Bell and is locked in the bathroom.”  Your information is requested each visit because honestly, you can’t be trusted to remember whether or not your insurance card or bits of personal information have changed since your last visit, especially if it’s been over a year ago.  Working this job will make you realize that the nurse/receptionist has zero control over practice policy, what the doctor does and how fast they move, and definitely deserves a little slack.

Feel free to let me know which ones I’ve missed and why they qualify as a job everyone should work at least once.